Note: This entry was originally posted on 14 February 2015.
Dear Secret Crush,
It feels so odd writing this letter to you. I know you won’t be able to read it because I’ll probably burn this letter after writing it, but I’ll continue anyway.
Happy Valentine’s Day!
How are you feeling? Are you happy today? Are you thinking of me too? Do you feel the same way? Are you okay?
This bunch of questions fills my mind. Tsk. I worry too much about you; it isn’t good for my health anymore.
I know it is not in my place to worry because, heck, we’re not even together (I don’t even know if you consider me as your friend), but these feelings I’ve developed for you are starting to lose control.
I love it when you talk to me even in technical terms such as school work and other related activities. I hear the beat of my heart getting louder whenever I’m near you. I even feel that sparks or butterflies in my stomach when I hear you talk about the most random things.
Yes, I see and hear you. I have eyes and ears, you know. I know you rub the back of your neck in your usual boyish manner when you are nervous. You bite the tip of your pen when you concentrate. You sway your legs to and fro in your seat when you intently listen to what the teacher says. You chuckle silently and shake your head at every joke you hear whether it’s funny or not.
It’s creepy, odd, and strange, I know. Others may consider it stalker-ish, but I can’t help it. My mind tends to notice the littlest things about you.
This is the main reason why I’ll never pursue you.
I’m afraid that if you knew, you’d laugh at my face to the extent that the whole school will surely know. I’d be humiliated. I’m afraid that if you knew, we’d lose touch even less than how little we talk to each other already. I’m afraid that if you knew, things would be more awkward for us (if that would still be possible). And lastly, I’m afraid to know that you don’t like me back. I hate rejection and I know there is a big chance you don’t reciprocate this feelings I have for you.
On the other hand, you might like me too. Nevertheless, the chances are slim. We’re not even friends to begin with. Plus, if you like me back, you might’ve pursued me since then.
I really want us to become friends. But I’m afraid that others may notice the feelings I have. I actually think your mates already know. They keep on teasing me about it. However, I need to deny it to keep my dignity intact. I tend to deny a lot of things, anyway so I guess it won’t be so bad. Unless I confirm it myself, no one can tell about my exact feelings except me.
This letter is getting long. I have a lot of things to say but I’ll save it to myself. I would just be here at the back to support you secretly. I would just be here at the back to cheer for you in your football games. I would just be here at the back to be happy for you when you achieve things.
And when the time comes that you pursue someone in the future who is not me, I would still be happy for you. Love will always be that way. I must set you free to whomever you’ll be happy with. Even if it’s not with me.
See? After all these years that I’m hiding this sensation, only one dumb letter can make me realize that indeed, this is love. Imagine?
Well, I hope you’re always happy. Seeing you that way makes me glad, too, even if I’m not the reason why.
Before I end this letter, I want to tell you that I may not be able to hide this affection forever. It is not possible; but I won’t tell it to you immediately either. Maybe in the future, when I already get over you. I might actually just laugh it off whilst saying it. Nobody knows what tomorrow holds, so as much as possible; I’ll bury it for now.
This is a dreadful idea: writing you a letter a letter that you won’t ever receive. I’ve set this for myself so don’t worry about it. I will always be here secretly being in love with you.
This is neither a goodbye nor a confession. This is a pathetic letter that comes from the heart.
The Girl at the Back of the Class
(featured images courtesy of Warner Bros.)