Note: This entry was originally posted on 20 June 2014.

Disclaimer: The address included in this story is fictional and created by the author. Whatever similarity it has to any locale is purely coincidental.

1870 Connecticut Rd.

Emerald Rehabilitation Centre

P.O. Box 17 Birmingham, UK

Dear Shane,

This is one of the times I’ve been dreading to experience. Well, apparently, almost each happening in my life has been dreadful (except when we were together). Now, writing to you will never be different. Don’t get me wrong, though, Shane. It isn’t terrifying in the sense that I can’t stand writing your name in this piece of crap. Instead, the vile part is the fact that I am afraid of handling rejection again. I am not ready to talk to you, nor am I ready to say something about what happened to us. The reason, mainly, I know you do know what I’m about to say and I’m shit at writing my feelings. Heck, I don’t even know if you shall read my letter when you receive it. I don’t even know if you’ll let me explain. I don’t even know where to start.

Then again, as the saying goes, each of us must start at the beginning. So that is what I’ll do. Please bear with me for my thoughts are incoherent at the moment—or since the day you left, I should say. But this is what I can assure you. I am sober whilst writing this; and I am nothing but being honest.

It was a fine day of sophomore year in college and I was scurrying through the corridors of the campus trying to get to my classroom. Until, I bumped into a familiar face. She was one of the most beautiful women I’d even seen—no hyperbole there, at least for me. Her height had a slight increase from when I’d last seen her. However, her blonde hair, gray-ish blue eyes and pink, plump lips had been the same. She still was my perfect childhood best friend until the eighth grade when she transferred to another country.

What was she doing here? I helped her steady herself and I asked her when she came back. This pretty girl told me she transferred in my university and we had the same course. I couldn’t be more excited that day. Did you feel that excitement too?

Being in the same course, we’ve interacted over the semester. I couldn’t help but regain all the feelings I had for this new version of the cute, naïve girl that was my childhood best friend. That was what I had done wrong.

No, Shane. Loving you wasn’t what I had done wrong. It was that because I didn’t tell you exactly what I had become when you left. I was involved in a fraternity, love. And I didn’t even bother to tell you that.

We worked on projects together, we hung out, and we constantly see each other in the nearby café before class starts. I didn’t just feel like I had my best friend back; I actually felt something more. And I made sure you felt it too.

I have loved you ever since we were young. I thought we were inseparable. However, the day you left was the denouement for our undefined relationship too. I remembered you telling me that only distance will be different for us; but our friendship will remain. I knew it was true. We still constantly called each other. You sent cards to me on special occasions. It wasn’t really like you were in another country. I started to believe that nothing was different in our friendship; conversely, it wasn’t exactly the same.

It was in my high school years when my Mom and Dad had a divorce. I had no one to hold on to. I figured you could help, but I thought that we were not the same anymore. I refused to tell you what was happening to me. I would always tell you I’m okay though I was completely far from that. Furthermore, I never really wanted to be a bother to you. That was when I became involved with these bad boys at school. I knew I was becoming a delinquent. I drank liquor though I was underage. It even became a hobby. I had slept with a lot of girls that time. It was all a fling, nothing more. I was almost caught by the police when these so-called new friends of mine dared me to vandalize someone else’s car.

I ain’t blaming you, Shane. I never did. It was my choice; and it was only now that I could admit I truly regret it.

Our conversations became less frequent. You might have not forgotten about me. I still continued to receive your cards, messages, and voice mails; but I ignored you. I wasn’t thinking right. I took you for granted. Then it all came to the day I never received anything from you. It wasn’t hard to expect that you will eventually give up on me. I was a fuck up. And that was when it hit me. I was the cause of our liaison’s cessation.

This was the reason why I pushed aside my present life when I met you again. I was so ecstatic to know that you left the things that happened to us in the past. Of course, we had talked about it but finally dropped when I made you believe I was totally okay. I confessed my feelings to you at the start of second semester. I became the happiest man on Earth when I knew you reciprocated those feelings.

However, I couldn’t escape the present life I was in. I would still go to the pub with my mates and I would still be involved in the parties held at the frat house. I knew I had to stop what I was doing. But peer pressure was the reason why I couldn’t. I must’ve realized you should be my first priority instead of these so-called peers I had.

I constantly lied to you, Shane. And I couldn’t be more apologetic for what I’ve done. I didn’t tell you everything. I would make stories of what eats up my time. I even told you I was working on a late project when I wasn’t able to meet you at the place where we were supposed to see each other that time. Truth was I was out with my friends. I promised myself that would be the last time I ditch you like that. You were okay because what you knew was that I was making my project. In spite of this, my conscience was still running through me.

But it wasn’t enough for me to stop all these misbehaviours and negligence to you. Heck, I even continued on doing it. My wrong circle of friends made me believe that I was doing nothing wrong for I was only living life to the fullest. I knew I was doing something wrong. Yet I didn’t put all of it into end until you found out.

It was one evening when we were supposed to have a date. Two hours before, my friends asked me to help for the frat party and I couldn’t refuse. I told myself that I would still make it in time for our date. But an hour turned into two, and then until midnight. Finally, until 2 in the morning, I was walking—or stumbling to my flat completely high from all the liquor I’ve drunk at the party. There, I saw a girl slumbering whilst sitting against my front door.

I’m so sorry, Shane! I’m so sorry! I really was but when this girl was awakened by my footsteps and started to scream at me, my ego just boosted up. I refused to admit I was wrong.

“This is the umpteenth time you ditch me in our dates. Sometimes I truly don’t feel you anymore. I totally understood if you need to work with your studies and see your friends. But seeing you like this completely drunk, it just, I- I—” I couldn’t do anything but watch you sob into tears.

I wanted to comfort you. I really did, Shane. But my egoistic side ate me up. I tried to explain, “What? I couldn’t drink with my friends anymore?!”

“We’re supposed to have a date! And you stood me up,” You shouted at me whilst you were still crying. That sobered me up but my thoughts were still all over the place.

“I’m still a fraternity member. I can’t back out. You need to understand that if you want to be with me,” At first, Shane, you were too bored but when you heard my confession, your bloodshot eyes met mine. I never wanted to see you cry, Shane. But I needed to tell you the truth.

“When my parents divorced when I was sophomore, I just lost it. I had no one to talk to. You weren’t there, re–”

“How dare you turn the tables on me? You know you could have always called,” I remember you cutting me off.

I answered, “I didn’t. Newsflash: admit it or not, we will never be the same when you left. I became friends with the bad boys at school. It was because no true friend was beside me that time.”

“So now you’re blaming me?” I saw the hurt in your eyes when you questioned me. I was about to respond but you continued, “It was your choice, Dan. It was your choice. You could always count on me but you never had trust. I would always be your friend. I might not be your girlfriend then, but our relationship was much stronger than that. We started off as friends. We knew each other very well.

“When I came back and saw you, I let go of the memories because I thought we need a new start. I didn’t ponder for your reasons why you stopped responding to my calls, mails, and cards. I thought I knew you well, Dan. Well, I guess I am wrong. I don’t know who you are anymore. I don’t see the Dan I used to love since kindergarten. This person in front of me is entirely different.”

You were right, Shane. You were always right. Being the jerk that I am, I still refused to apologize to you that night and then you said we needed space. You seriously need to stop these actions, Dan. You need to change for the better. Not for me or for anyone. You need to change for yourself.”

Then again, I continued to shit my life. Instead of quitting the fraternity and making my life better, I continued to listen to my friends who keep on telling you’re not worth moping for.

I want to tell you this, Shane. I may have not let you know that time that you’re my everything, but through this letter I want you to know that you’re worth it. You’re more than worth it. I am too dumb not to realize it at once.

I became more alcoholic. Every night, I would always drink the whole pub off and run away from my problems. But it never solved anything, did it? No, because after eight months, I saw you with another bloke. But I heard he was a good lad.

It was then that I realized that I need to fix myself up again. I went to the rehabilitation centre, yes I volunteered for myself to be fixed. I knew my alcohol addiction could only be cured there. At first, it was hard. But I would always think of your words, change for yourself. That was what I started to do.

I am currently in my sixth month here. My mother visits me most of the time. I heard from the facilitators you tried to visit me once or twice too. But I just don’t want to see you then. No, it isn’t like I hate you. I just want you to see me fully recovered from this mess which is called my life.

I also heard from Mum that you are still with that lad. Well, congratulations, Shane. No sarcasm there. I am so happy you finally found someone who will truly love you. I still love you, though. But I will never try to steal you away from him.

I’ve caused you too much pain. You don’t deserve it. You never deserve it. You are the best I’ve ever had. But yes, that is the past. I screwed things up and I deserve this consequence. However, once I get out of here, I will come to you, Shane. It won’t be long enough. I’ve been sober for the past six months and I promise myself I will not be near liquor again.

I will visit you, Shane. That is a promise. But as a friend. I want us to be like we were before. You told me before that our relationship was way more than being lovers. We are also friends, siblings, best buds, and chaperones of each other, and a lot more things. I know I don’t fully deserve it yet; but will you let me try?

I know you are fully happy. I hope that lad of yours always buys you pink cotton candy on stick because I know how much you love it. I was just too drunk to remember it then. I wish he always gives you his time because that’s what I didn’t when we were together. Most of all, I hope he gives you his full trust because you are more than a hundred per cent worthy of it. That is what I have failed to give you.

Maybe this aftermath is enough to let me know that I just wasted my chances to be with the most precious girl forever. Yes it is, Shane. Realizing how much you mean to me when it is too late is more than enough to wake my mind up. I should have done those things I mentioned. But I didn’t.

Now, as a psychology exercise, we are asked to write a letter to one person we value the most. Before this, I find it cheesy and queer to make a written piece of crap. After writing all these words, I just knew the papers given to me are not enough.

I chose to write to you, Shane; if it isn’t that obvious yet. I just wish for you to be truly happy with whoever you can be with. It just all comes back to me. I have everything I wished for. I have you before, Shane. But now it is ‘had’. I had the most precious girl beside me but I was too intoxicated to realize it until it was too late.

I love you, Shane.



Best-est Dad I’ve Ever Had (orig. Untitled)

Note: This poem is dedicated to my dad, John Glenn. I love you, Daddy! And to my uncles, Uncle Jouise, Uncle Jojo, Uncle Jay, and Uncle King, happy fathers’ day to you, too! 🙂

2nd Note: This entry was originally posted on 14 June 2014.

 This special poem I’m about to make, I hope that you would like it.

Please understand what I want to say, ‘cause I’m not really a poet.

Please don’t expect this to turn out to be the best poem,

‘Cause we all know, my thoughts, I simply cannot fathom.

I remember those wonderful times, when I was still your little baby

You always call me your ‘little piece of cake.’ I always disagree.

However, I may just look annoyed, Daddy.

But I like that sweet name, trust me.

Those times that I feel down, I’d always count on you.

I take your advice seriously, that’s true.

Your thoughts and principles, I would always value;

I love you very much, I hope you always knew.

My friend, my teacher, my superhero, my father.

I just feel so proud to be your daughter.

Your jokes may not be the most humorous if I will be honest,

I know you just say it so I won’t be sad. Dad, you are the best!

There’s always a special feeling when I think about you, Dad

When I reminisce my moments with you, I am always glad

On your special day, I really want to thank God.

‘cause He gave me the best-est father I’ve ever had.

Just a Dream (Part Two)

Note: This entry was originally posted on 14 June 2014.

Disclaimer: The author doesn’t own the rights of the films stated in this story. Credits are given to the makers of those films. The views and opinions of the characters regarding the films do not reflect those of the author’s.

‘WAKE UP IN the morning with the sunlight in my eyes.’

Urgghh! How many times did that song repeat already? Why did it have to repeat, anyways? What the–? Oh my… Had I been clicking snooze for the past hour? Gosh. Gosh. I would be late for the new semester!! Oh my. Tristan would probably kill me.

Scurrying out of my bed, I quickly went to the bathroom. Oh gosh Julia, what happened to you? You just spent your whole night thinking of that lad all over again!

Gosh! Just because I hadn’t seen him this winter break, I’ve been dreading to see him this upcoming semester. Was I that clingy or something? Yeah, maybe; but I couldn’t help it.

Okay! Let me tell you who I am first. My name is Julia Richards, 18, senior student. I am considered as the only daughter of one of the richest families in town. However, it never gets through my head. I’m not the kind of girl who goes to parties, who wears slutty clothes, who wants to be the Queen bee. I am me, and that’s because of someone who I consider as my best friend: Tristan Boyce.

He’s the son of my favourite worker at home. We are in the same age. I can consider that we are close. Since freshman, he has been beside me. Technically, he works for me. But I never call and treat him as my personal assistant/bodyguard. He is my driver, too. He takes care of my Ford Mustang. Dad never trusts me with cars and boy stuff.

~just a dream (part two)~

I LOOKED AT the time as I hasten to the kitchen for a short breakfast. I saw Mrs. Boyce cooking something which I knew was delicious. It was my great sense of smell for food, I guess. Wait! Uh-oh. That clearly meant Tristan was here already and it was twenty three minutes before the school bell rings.

Nonetheless, I knew he could make it in time. Boys will always be boys. I know you know what I mean.

“Hi, Mrs. Boyce,” I greeted as I grabbed an apple from the fruit stand.

She wiped her hands with the cloth before she looked at me, “Oh, hi Julia. Looking good as always. I hope you had a nice break. It’s Rosie by the way.”

“Thanks, and yes I had a nice break,” I’ve been thinking of your son when I was in Florida, I wanted to add but of course, I wouldn’t dare. “I only have a short time, I need to go. Tristan is waiting,” I added.

“But you haven’t eaten breakfast yet. I’m sure he wouldn’t mind,” She handed me a plate of the most delicious omelettes in the country—no hyperbole intended (for me).

Whilst I was eating and Mrs. Boyce was fixing and cleaning some things in the kitchen, I felt his presence. Uh-oh. I slowly looked towards his direction and—

“Richards, don’t you know that we could be late for the first day of the new semester?” He immediately snapped at me.

Mrs. Boyce and I tried to contain our laughter. He was amusing. So I answered to piss him more, “Oh come on, Boyce. It’s not like I don’t know you can speed up and we’ll make it to school for only five minutes.”

“Tan, please don’t be hard on her. She just came here a few minutes ago to have breakfast. Julia was sick that’s why she was late,” Mrs. Boyce butted in.

“But I saw she’s completely done and we need to hurry up. Your parents will kill me if they knew we’re late for school,” He redirected his look on me again.

“Take a chill pill, dude. Mum and Dad won’t come home until next month. Mrs. Boyce, we shall go now. Bye,” I stood up from the kitchen counter and scurried with him to his car. It was serious this time. It would be a miracle for us to be in school before the bell rings.

“Okay, goodbye Julia. And how many more years till you learn to call me Rosie? Oh, bye, son,” His Mum replied.

Because I was late, we both had twenty minutes detention after school. I was relieved when Tan wasn’t that upset with me. He was understanding, handsome, and he and I shared most our interests.

Wait, what was he still doing? It was next period already! “Hey, Boyce. We’re already late on our first class. Maybe you don’t want to be late on the next, do you?”

“You do know you’re the reason why I was late, don’t you?” He sounded like a girl. But deep down, I liked it when he’s upset. He gave me more attention.

Gosh! Is it that barefaced already? I have been thinking of having him with me on vacation. I find each of his traits seemingly attractive. He is on my mind 24/7. Am I that pathetic? No, I am in love. With Tristan Boyce, okay?

“Yes, I do. And if we’re late for next class, it’s because of you now,” I answered so he would talk to me more. Petty, I know.

“Why will you be late?” he asked.

“I’m going to wait for you, duh. And if you don’t lift your butt off that desk, I’ll pull you if necessary and I’ll even forget I was guilty for having you end up in detention,” Yes, I was still guilty. I knew how important grades were for him. For the past four years, i had been the reason why he has been late and absent in school.

Nonetheless, he was still there for me. He might just do this because it was his job. But I’d always seen him as my knight-in-shining-armour. Pretty cheesy, huh? Before, I actually laughed at those chick flicks because I don’t watch that kind of movies. I love superheroes, especially Spider-man. However, I knew how it felt to be in love. It was like I’m always on Cloud 9.

~just a dream (part two)~

IT WAS TIME for History and I met a transferee. He was a good lad and we were partners for a project. He invited me to lunch and I accepted; simply because we should work on our project. The bell rang indicating lunch time. We were laughing about his hilarious antics and how he despised History. Just as we were walking out of History class, I saw Tristan walking towards my class. Perhaps, he was about to fetch me. Yeah, I know it was absurd. He was my chaperone even during lunch time.

“Oh, hi Tan!” I greeted whilst adding, “This is Matt Hudgens. He is a transferee.” He needed to know who I was going with. He deserved it. He might think I go out with other lads. This was just for project.

“Hi,” Matt said in a formal tone. I started to think if he grew up in military school.

Tristan smiled and I spoke, “Oh, Matt invited me for lunch today.” What the! He might think Matt asked me out so I quickly offered, “If you want, you could come.”

I saw his eyes changing into a different shade. It was with—rage? Was he angry? Or was he j—

“Uhm, no, thanks. I would just see you again after school. Nice to meet you, Matt,” His voice was the same calm and collected tone.

I couldn’t help but feel disappointed. Why would I think he would be jealous? Seriously? Oh come, on. It was obviously fine for him. He wanted to get rid of me, anyway.

So I flashed a fake smile and said, “Bye, Tan.”

I guess I will see him after school.

~just a dream (part two)~

WEEKS HAD PAST and I had frequently hanged out with Matt. I knew he liked me but I was still a human who had her own feelings. I just used him to make Tristan jealous. However, he seemed cool enough about me hanging out with Matt.

Doesn’t he reciprocate the feelings I have for him? Why does he keep being calm and collected about it? He doesn’t even give a single clue about being upset.

“I’ve been with Matt yesterday and we tried to watch a movie. He was with me but it was oddly boring. He doesn’t like The Amazing Spiderman 2! Seriously, any lad would like superheroes. He’s been our favourite ever since!” I ranted whilst we were in the car on the way to the mall. I decided to tell how I didn’t enjoy watching my favourite movie if it wasn’t with him.

“So, he isn’t a fan of our favourite superhero. What a shame!” There was proudness in his tone. What was going on with him?

“I guess we just have to watch it again today in the cinema. You need to watch it, Tan!” I cheered on. We really needed to watch it again. It was better to watch it if it was with a fan, too and of course, with the lad I like since grade school.

“You want to repeat it again? I thought you and that transferee had a great night,” He asked as he parked the car in the parking and we made our entrance to the mall.

I thought of what I would say. It took some seconds before I answered, “I would enjoy the movie whilst watching with you. But he was sweet all throughout the night, except the Peter Parker part.”

I was already giving him hints and at the same time making him jealous. However, he never seemed interested in me. If you would ask why I don’t just admit it to him, I would just like to explain that I am not that insane yet. I was already pathetic enough to give him hints that I liked him—or love­ him­­—but I wouldn’t lose my dignity and self-respect by admitting my feelings for a lad.

I tried to look for some cute dresses for the upcoming Valentine’s Ball. I decided to come for it is our last year already. I knew that if I would go, Tan will go too. Maybe he would ask me out. So I chose the perfect dress. It wasn’t that hard. We both liked the same colour.

I came out of the fitting room wearing my chosen red dress. I saw Tan sitting the bench near the end of the clothes rack and I decided to show it to him. “Does this look good on me?” I asked.

He seemed to be in shock with my voice and when he looked at me I heard him mumble, ‘why is she even buying a gown?’

I mentally laughed at his thoughts. He always had these times when he said his thoughts out loud. Oh how I wished he would give me a slight hint if he reciprocated his feeling. I hoped to know that one day, when he would be thinking of me and he shall say his thoughts out loud about him liking me too.

However, remembering that he had forgotten about the dance everyone has been talking about; I stared at him clearly not able to believe he had forgotten it, “Duh, Tan! Remember Valentine’s Ball? This is our last Valentine’s Day celebration in school. You even forgot about it?”

“Why would I remember it? We don’t even attend those kinds of program. Don’t tell me you’re going this year?” He stared at me questioningly. Right, he had a point. He and I used to stay at home during those events and have a Superhero movie marathon whilst everyone was getting tipsy at the dance.

“Why not?” I replied. “Oh, I’ll just pay for this. Whether you like it or not, we’re going to the Valentine’s Ball,” I stormed off to the cashier to avoid further questioning.

~just a dream (part two)~

TRISTAN AND I were eating lunch at our usual table in the cafeteria. It was three days before the ball yet I didn’t know who he asked as a date. I really would like to know. Yet, I was still afraid of looking pathetic in front of him.

“Hey! Did somebody ask you out to the dance already?” Thank God! He did the questioning first.

“No! No one has asked me yet. How about you? Have you asked someone out?” I answered hurriedly. Wait! Was this a way of asking me out?

I noticed that he paused and I was sure he was about to tell something to me. Would he really ask me to the dance? I internally squealed when—

“No!” He answered like he just heard my thoughts. “I would just be there. I’ll just be your chaperone by the way. Your parents would get upset if I invited someone and let something not good happen to you.”

A pang of disappointment coursed through my whole body as I heard those words of devious rejection. This was his time. If he really liked me, he could’ve asked me to the dance. However, he didn’t. That clearly meant I was just someone he works for. He does all these things because it was his job, not because he truly cared for me.

Just as I answered and shrugged, “oh, okay”, I was frightened by all the students who suddenly stood up and sang a familiar melody I used to hate. What was with flash mobs these days?

‘Can I Have This Dance?’ by that musical thing-y was sang by all the students and I noticed they were all looking at me. I mentally groaned and cringed at my seat. This was totally embarrassing, humiliating, mortifying, and every other word related to that. The small crowd cleared the way and someone was walking towards me.

As he was nearing to me, I clearly recognized his face. It was none other than Matt Hudgens.

“Julia Richards, in front of the whole student body present here in the cafeteria. Would you go out to the Valentine’s Ball with me?” He asked and I internally screeched.

Don’t get me wrong, though. He is nothing but sweet to me. However, he just never seems to know what I like and what I hate. The song he used is even my laughing stock in grade school. Plus, I think I just made it clear my heart beats for only one person. And that person is that lad sitting across my spot.

My thoughts suddenly came back to life when I heard all the students in the cafeteria cheer ‘Matt and Julia’ and ‘Julia, say yes’ and ‘Malia’. Tsk. That’s the dumbest ship name in the planet.

How can I ever get out of this mess? Oh, I know. Tristan can help. I’m sure he will help me. So I do my best to have that pleading look straight on Tristan’s eyes. It clearly says ‘Help! I don’t want to go with him to the dance.’ I waited for his Save Julia Moment but the freaking dude just shrugged!

He shrugged like he was never affected at all. He shrugged like it was just okay for him to see me with that bloke. He shrugged like he never cared for me. He shrugged like I was just nothing to him.

‘Maybe it’s because he never really likes you.’

See? Even my subconscious said it herself. I was nothing to Tristan Boyce. He only cared for me because it was his job. He was always even annoyed by my presence. He always snapped at me. It hurt but I needed to accept it. Tristan Boyce would never reciprocate the feelings I have for him.

I sighed before I answered. I should brace myself. I was and still the Julia Richards and I needed to look strong. “Yes,” It came out only as a mumble, though. No worries. The whole cafeteria still had perceived it and cheered for Matt and me.

Matt hugged me to death and I pretended to be happy. I was so upset with Tristan. But what was my right to be? Of course, I had no right to be upset with him! He did nothing to me. However, I was just human and I couldn’t help it. It hurt to know that the lad you love never cared for you.

It hurts to know that the man you love doesn’t love you back.

~just a dream (part two)~

WHEN I AGREED to go with Matt to the ball, I knew I mustn’t think of Tristan. I even gave him a cold shoulder for the past days after that horrid scene in the cafeteria.

I would either pretend to talk with Matt on the phone. I even started to hang out frequently with the geeks of Book Club. He tried to approach me sometimes but I just didn’t have the guts to talk to him. He would surely ask why I was avoiding him. What should I say? That ‘I am in love with you but you can never love me back. For that, I hate you so much.’ So I just walked away whenever I see him and I hitch a ride with my new geek colleagues to go home. I just knew I couldn’t talk to him without blurting out what I really felt.

The night of the dance came. I still wore the dress I was supposed to wear just to impress Boyce. However, this was supposed to be my night with Matt. Before Tan could even come to my house the night of the dance, I made sure Matt would pick me up earlier. For now, I thought I should forget the rule about being fashionably late.

At the Valentine’s Ball, Matt had been nothing but sweet to me. He was the epitome of the perfect man in cliché love stories. Nonetheless, I hated cliché.

Conversely, a portion of my mind knew that it was too difficult to let go of this bloke when I knew that I would end up with nobody. Here was the scenario: Matt asked me to be his girlfriend on a Valentine’s Day. He even kneeled in front me like he was about to propose. Geez! It wasn’t an engagement ring. It was just a promise ring according to him.

My mind was still clouded with the thoughts of that lad, though. Let us just hide him under the name Tristan Boyce. I still looked for him around the venue. However, I felt guilty of hesitating to answer Matt’s question when I saw none other than Tristan, himself, dancing and flirting with another girl.

“Yes!” I answered. Matt immediately kissed me on my lips when he heard my word. Oh, Julia Lizeth Roberts, you had definitely become a fool. Why would you still think of a lad who never really cared when there was this man in front of you who truly loves you and cared for you?

I sighed. Maybe, Tristan Boyce and I being together was just a dream I should let go of. Some things were not really meant to be. And he and I being a couple were just one of those uncountable things.


Just a Dream (Part One)

Note: This entry was originally posted on 6 June 2014.

Disclaimer: The author doesn’t own the rights of the films stated in this story. Credits are given to the makers of those films. The views and opinions of the characters regarding the films do not reflect those of the author’s.

THEY SAY THE best love is insane.’

I groaned covering my ears with a pillow. One Republic again?

Well, I still had blamed my sister for that. Ever since she became a fan of that band (which was three years ago), waking up to their annoying songs wasn’t a miracle anymore. On the bright side, I’ve never been late to school and my work because of that. It never failed to wake me up. I just didn’t like cheesy songs.

So let me introduce myself, I’m Tristan Boyce, 18, senior student. About my work? I’m a son of one of the maids of the richest family in town, the Richards. Since I was a freshman, I have been the driver/personal assistant/bodyguard of their only daughter, Julia.

Now, I’m hurrying up to go to school. Technically, I’ll go to their house first with Mum and fetch her there. Her car has been under my supervision since she can’t drive yet (and I bet she won’t learn to). I mean, that girl has been afraid to manoeuvre the steering wheel when I tried to teach her in sophomore year. Aside from that, her parents also think that I will surely take good care of the Ford Mustang. Yeah, because I’m a lad. It’s nice to know that her parents trust me enough with these things, but I never take it for granted. I do this job to help my mother. I know that being a single parent is so hard for her. Apparently, it is for everyone. Except for me, I don’t have a child.

I actually don’t know why Julia’s parents don’t trust her enough to go on her own. Ever since she reached high school, they immediately hired me to look after her. It isn’t hard work, to say the most. Julia may be rich, but she doesn’t act like those whiny, obnoxious, spoiled-brats in school. She doesn’t normally go to parties. She is in fact, the opposite: introvert, nerdy, goody-two-shoes girl. I’ve always admired her discipline. Before, I really thought that the daughter of the family who my Mum works for is a stuck-up, party loving, egoistic mischief maker. So much for judging a book by its cover.

~just a dream (part one)~

“HAVE A SAFE trip. Be careful, Honey. Don’t drive too fast. Good luck on your first day of the last semester in high school,” Mum said for the thousandth time today.

I start to think, ‘duh, it isn’t like I’m going to a faraway place. It’s just school.’ Now, I act like sarcastic Julia. However, being the good son I am, I just suck up my thoughts and hug my mother.

When Mum got out of the car, I patiently waited for Julia. Five minutes had passed but she still had not shown. The normal ride to school was a fifteen-minute drive, and right now, there were only eighteen minutes till the school bell rings. Where was she?

Impatiently, I walked out of the car and slammed the door. I didn’t want to be late at the start of the second semester. I walked to the back door leading to the kitchen where my Mum usually was. And there she was—not just my Mum, but Julia too, wearing a nice blue tank top and fitted jeans. Her cardigan was hung on her forearms. It wasn’t snowing but it was still a tad cold. Her outfit was nothing new, but I always had found her absolutely captivating. She was talking to my mother casually before she diverted her attention to me. That was where I broke out of my thoughts; I was supposed to be upset.

I immediately snapped at her, “Richards, don’t you know that we could be late for the first day of the new semester?”

She and my Mum looked at me—­amusedly? What was it with this two?

Julia spoke still not removing her grin, “Oh come on, Boyce. It’s not like I don’t know you can speed up and we’ll make it to school for only five minutes.”

Mum butted in, “Tan, please don’t be hard on her. She just came here a few minutes ago to have breakfast. Julia was sick that’s why she was late.”

“But I saw she’s completely done and we need to hurry up. Your parents will kill me if they knew we’re late for school,” I retorted looking directly in her eye.

“Take a chill pill, dude. Mum and Dad won’t come home until next month. Mrs. Boyce, we shall go now. Bye,” She stood up from the kitchen counter.

“Okay, goodbye Julia. And how many more years till you learn to call me Rosie? Oh, bye, son,” Mum replied.

I hurried to the car and when she did, too, I scurried up on the way to school. As expected, we didn’t make it on time. Twenty minutes detention for being five minutes late on the first class, how did I deserve it?

Oh yeah, it is because of a girl named Julia. But there’s nothing I can do. It seems that when I reach high school, everything Julia does involve me. In spite of this, I don’t regret anything. I admit Julia’s a fun companion. She’s cute, sarcastic but funny, kid at heart and—

“Hey, Boyce. We’re already late on our first class. Maybe you don’t want be late on the next, do you?” Julia’s words snapped me out of my thoughts.

“You do know you’re the reason why I was late, don’t you?” I retorted. I really should stop hanging out with her because now I was sounding like a girl.

“Yes, I do. And if we’re late for next class, it’s because of you now.”

“Why will you be late?”

“I’m going to wait for you, duh. And if you don’t lift your butt off that desk, I’ll pull you if necessary and I’ll even forget I was guilty for having you end up in detention,” I could sense her guilt but her authoritative tone would always be present. With that, I stood up from my desk and started to walk with her to our next class.

Tsk. Rich girls with their attitude. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying she’s a spoiled brat because she definitely isn’t. But still, they tend to have this dictatorial attitude in them. It’s tolerable. Scratch that—it’s absolutely more than that. I can just wake up to hear her rants and be with her all day and—

I make it the most obvious thing, don’t I? Tsk. Of course, I do. My mind is always filled up with the thoughts of this cute, sarcastic but funny—why do I need to repeat it again? Shoud I really say this out loud? That I am in love with Julia Richards? To make things cheesier and more ludicrous, it started since the day I knew I’ll be stuck with her for the rest of my high school years.

Before I knew what was really going on in my head, I heard the bell rang indicating lunch time. Wow. Two classes had passed already? Well, I guess that was how Julia occupied even my brain. Now, I completely knew I just admitted that I love her—rather—I am in love with her. For nearly four years now. Maybe since we were little kids, I realized it when I was in freshman though.

Then again, all I could do was to be with her as a friend. I already accepted I don’t have a chance. My mother was their maid for God’s sake. How could her parents accept me if I courted her? Plus, how would she ever give me a chance? For sure, if she knew my feelings for her, she would laugh directly in front of my face. We were not on the same level. No matter what I do, her family would still be in the elite part and mine would still be, well, lower-middle class.

As I was walking down to Physics classroom to fetch Julia (yes, I’m still her chaperone even during lunch), I saw her walking out of the room with an unfamiliar lad. It was obvious that they were laughing about something and—

“Oh, hi Tan!” Julia greeted. “This is Matt Hudgens. He is a transferee.”

“Hi,” He said in a formal tone. Did this bloke grow up in military school?

I smiled before I was about to answer, “H—”

However, I was cut off by the blondie herself, “Oh, Matt invited me for lunch today. If you want, you could come.”

Why would I go with them? Who did she expect me to be? A third wheel? Woah, calm down, Tristan Boyce; and never lose your composure.

“Uhm, no, thanks. I would just see you again after school. Nice to meet you, Matt.”

“Bye, Tan,” She even smiled at me.

I walked out—scurried rather—to the cafeteria trying not to lose my composure. Why was I suddenly upset? ‘Because it’s the first time Julia accepted to go out with a bloke for lunch.’ I hate this subconscious.

But, yes. This is the first time Julia will go out with a lad for lunch (who isn’t me). I mean, I have seen her reject a few blokes before. The look on their faces is priceless. Well, after that, nobody dare asking her out again. I don’t exactly know why; maybe because they can’t handle being rejected.

Yeah, it isn’t nice to be rejected. This is the reason why I just hide my feelings for her. It is for the best. However, a part of me still wonders if it is for the best, why does it hurt so badly?

~just a dream (part one)~

WEEKS HAD PAST and I suddenly noticed Julia’s frequent hang out with the transferee. I couldn’t even mention the name of the lad. I always felt like if I stated his name, it would be with pure rage and anguish and any other negative word. I guess that was what jealousy does.

“I’ve been with Matt yesterday and we tried to watch a movie. He was with me but it was oddly boring. He doesn’t like The Amazing Spiderman 2! Seriously, any lad would like superheroes. He’s been our favourite ever since!” Julia ranted whilst we were in the car. I was accompanying her to the mall. Tsk. Girls and their shopping.

“So, he isn’t a fan of our favourite superhero. What a shame!” I said proudly. Score! Julia and I had something in common which he didn’t share.

“I guess we just have to watch it again today in the cinema. You need to watch it, Tan!”

“You want to repeat it again? I thought you and that transferee had a great night,” I stopped the car in the parking lot and we both came down to the mall entrance.

As I thought she dropped the subject whilst we were entering the mall, I heard her say, “I would enjoy the movie whilst watching with you. But he was sweet all throughout the night, except the Peter Parker part.”

I seriously thought she would want to spend time with me; turned out, she just wanted to watch the movie with someone who shared her liking for the superhero.

Oh, Tristan Gregory Boyce, what were you thinking? How could a girl like Julia Richards have a crush with someone like you?

I sighed as I sat down the bench on the side of the store whilst Julia was in the fitting room. My mind was clouded with different thoughts. Maybe, she really had a crush on Matt. After all, he was in the same level as her. They were both rich just like every other student in our school. Unlike me, I just had a scholarship from Julia’s parents since I became her personal bodyguard.

“Does this look good on me?” A familiar voice started to fill my mind. I looked up and saw Julia. Yeah, right. She was the reason why I was here.

And holy guacamole, she’s stunning. Red really suits her. Wait, why is she even buying a gown?

“Duh, Tan?! Remember Valentine’s Ball? This is our last Valentine’s Day celebration in school. You even forgot about it?” She stared at me in disbelief. Did I just ask it out loud?

“Why would I remember it? We don’t even attend those kinds of program. Don’t tell me you’re going this year?” I queried.

“Why not?” She shrugged. “Oh, I’ll just pay for this. Whether you like it or not, we’re going to the Valentine’s Ball.”

I watched her make haste to the cashier and all I could was wonder about her sudden excitement to go to the ball. It hurt to know that for sure, it was because of that second semester transferee Matt Hudgens. Wait! Should I ask her out before he can? That would prevent him to steal her from me, for sure.

No, undoubtedly not the best choice.

~just a dream (part one)~

IT WAS THREE days before Valentine’s Ball and Julia and I were on our usual table at the cafeteria. Ever since she declared that we would go to the ball, my inquisitiveness was killing me. I really would like to know if somebody already asked her to the dance. I needed to stop my curiosity to—

“Hey! Did somebody ask you out to the dance already?” Urghh! Tristan, what is happening with you? You’re so—

“No! No one has asked me yet. How about you? Have you asked someone out?” Thank God, she’s comfortable with my question, but wait! What should I answer to that?

As much as I would like to ask her to the dance, I knew she would just decline it. I needed to prepare myself already. She and that transferee bloke had been hanging out for a while. For sure, they could end as a couple after that night.

I braced myself, “No. I would just be there. I’ll just be your chaperone by the way. Your parents would get upset if I invited someone and let something not good happen to you.”

“Oh. Okay,” She shrugged and just as she answered, a bunch of students singing entered the cafeteria like a flash mob.

They were singing ‘Can I Have This Dance?’ by that musical Julia and I used to laugh at when we were in early middle school. What was this for?

Suddenly, the small crowd cleared the way, and someone walked towards the seat across me. In other words, he was walking towards Julia.

He = transferee bloke.

“Julia Richards, in front of the whole student body present here in the cafeteria. Would you go to the Valentine’s Ball with me?” He asked just as the students cheered ‘Matt and Julia’ and ‘Julia, say yes’ and ‘Malia’. Now what did the last word mean?

‘It was a ship name, you dumb.

Great! Now my subconscious was way better than me! I didn’t even know that. But at least I knew what Julia truly likes. He didn’t even know she never liked that song. He didn’t even know she never wanted to gain the attention of the whole student body. He didn’t know her likes and dislikes. But I shouldn’t interfere because Julia and I were never a couple, either.

I tried my best to gain my composure. A part of me said I should’ve asked her. But a part of me also feared if she said no, we might not be as closer as before. So all I did was stared at her just like every other student did and waited for her answer.

She looked at me first for a couple of seconds. What was that about? Was she pleading me to help her get out of it? Or was she asking for my permission if she could go out with transferee bloke? Most likely, it was the latter. So I shrugged.

I shrugged like it never affected me at all. I shrugged like it was okay for me to see her with that lad. I shrugged like I didn’t like her for myself. I shrugged like I was never in love with her.

She sighed before answering. “Yes,” she mumbled. Nevertheless, everyone heard and cheered again for the two of them.

Transferee bloke hugged her and I tried to block myself with my own thoughts against everyone around me.

‘You could’ve asked her. She might say yes.’

This subconscious is really absurd. How can she say yes? She is clearly head over heels for that lad.

‘Have you seen her look? She was pleading for you to help her get out of the situation.’

Why am I battling with this little voice? Her look obviously asks me for permission. I am clearly upset but I know I can’t be upset.

‘The ship has sailed because you didn’t even try.’

~just a dream (part one)~

AFTER THAT SCENE in the cafeteria, I noticed Julia was giving me a cold shoulder. Until the dance she never talked to me and when I tried to approach her and ask her what was wrong, she just seemed to have a way of escaping. It was either, she was talking on phone and emphasizing she was talking to transferee bloke, or she was with some of her book club colleagues, or she would just walk away to avoid me.

What is happening to us? Uh-oh! Maybe she already knows I have feelings for her! What the freak! I am totally doomed. It is definitely the reason.

When she knew I am in love with her, she thought that I was about to approach her because I was about to confess my feelings. Maybe she could never stand the fact that I had feelings for her, so she started to ignore me and she always emphasized that she clearly wanted transferee bloke instead of me. That was harsh.

See? I never even started to court her yet she already cringed at the fact that I do have feelings for her. I was right. She would just reject me and it would be awkward considering that she knew her driver/personal assistant/bodyguard likes her.

It was Valentine’s Ball and I knew Matt fetched her from her mansion. Dances were not my thing but I needed to be there. It was for business this time (and still my over-protectiveness). If something not good happened to her, the Richards would kill me.

‘I know you’d kill yourself too.’

Damn you, subconscious! My feelings mustn’t be shown anymore. It was too exposed Julia even started to resent me. I came to the dance and I immediately spotted her in that exquisite dress she bought when we were at the mall.

But he was also there. Transferee bloke was kneeling in front of her and for sure, he was already asking her to be his girlfriend. My eyes were slightly watering at the scene I just saw. Urghh! I couldn’t be crying just because of that. I am still a man for God’s sake. Uh-oh. Julia’s eyes were scanning the vestibule. She couldn’t see me like this.

So I did what a lad was supposed to do at dances like this, I grabbed the first girl who was in front of me and I swayed with her. Good thing she was utterly drunk. I pretended to flirt with her so if ever Julia sees me, she wouldn’t creep out again.

Tipsy girl seemed to have bought my antics and she started babbling in an annoying, seductive tone. I glanced to my left side whilst tipsy girl kept on flirting with me. There I saw her, sharing a kiss with transferee bloke. There were probably a couple already.

Of course, they were. I couldn’t help but wince at the thought. I left tipsy girl with whatever she liked to do (she would surely find her tipsy snogging partner in no time) and I ran outside to calm myself.

She already made a choice and it clearly didn’t involve me. Heck! Every issue that counts in order for us to be in a relationship clearly stated we were not meant to be. First and foremost, our social statuses: she was in highest class and here was I, one in lowest of the lowest. Second, her parents: whose sane parent would approve their only daughter and heiress to date the son of their maid? That would be social suicide. And lastly, her feelings: that was the hardest thing to accept. In order to be in a relationship with her, of course, she must have feelings for me too. But how could we be in a relationship if she never reciprocated my love for her?

Oh, Tristan Boyce. You need to admit that being with Julia Richards as more than friends is just a dream you need to forget. You do realize that even the strongest relationships ever built could fall apart in just a single snap. What more if it is a one-way thing?



Nothing But A Four-Letter Word (connected to The Sixth and Last)

Note: You need to read The Sixth and Last in order to understand this story.

2nd Note: This entry was originally on 29 May 2014.

“WHO I LOVED was a girl I met when I was still new in the university,” I started to tell this to the girl sitting beside me right now. “I wasn’t exactly close to her, but with a few interactions between us over the semester, I felt like I accidentally created my own fantasy world. And who she became in my head was probably far more than the reality.”

I saw the interest in Daisy’s eyes as I spoke those words. At first I thought it was ridiculous to talk about your exes in front of your girlfriend, but her persuasive eyes forced me to do so. Besides, the girl I was talking about wasn’t really my ex-girlfriend. Just like what I had told Daisy, she was just an acquaintance. We had interacted over the semester, and I wasn’t able to stop those illusions in my head.

“She was a third year, sorority girl, and I was just in my first year, and the few times we spent in the same class made me see her good heart and light spirit,” I continued.

Yeah, it felt like we were in hackneyed love story where opposites attract. Difference is, she was the bad girl, and I was the nerd. I met her in Creative Writing Class, for we were both Literature Students. She became my partner in a certain project, and as usual, she immediately ordered—rather than asked—to do the project whilst she would just proofread and check. Of course, I refused. I might be a nerd, but I didn’t enjoy working on group school works, especially if I was going to do it alone.

After a good—or worst—whole class period of argument, she and I had come to a simple agreement: with both of us working for our project. Actually, she didn’t agree, but of course, I was still the lad. I wouldn’t let a girl win an argument against me.

To pass the five minutes that were left before the end of the class, I started to become busy in writing down some things I know.

What the–” I heard her huffed as she held my chin lifting my gaze from my paper to her face, “you already have an idea?”

I was totally shocked with the sudden gesture. I was mesmerized by her look. However, I knew the gesture was just normal for sorority girls like her, so I just nodded and she looked away fixing her bag.

The professor dismissed us and I saw her scurrying out the door. What was she up to this time? I sighed. As if I care. Do I?

I walked out the room and I thought to myself, ‘Maybe this is the start of something. What is this something? I only have one way to find out. SIT BACK, RELAX, AND ENJOY THE RIDE.”

~nothing but a four-letter word~

AS PART OF the agreement, for the next two months of working on for the project, we would take turns on who will go to each flat.

The first weekend was awkward for the two of us; I kept quiet and reserved, but I was completely aware that she was stealing glances at me from time to time. We were in the living room of my flat, trying to come up with a catchy topic and introduction. She was sat on the sofa, and was too formal.

Was she sick? Why was she acting like this? As much as I would like to know, I don’t want her to think of me as a nosy person. Although, I knew that as I pried, for sure I was acting like one. Even I had thought of a topic already, she dismissed the idea and presented her own. I just agreed to get this finished once and for all. When we were working on it, I couldn’t help but notice that she might be a counterpart of a bad boy, but she was surely witty. Aside from that, she was being nice today (except when she dismissed my thought and forced her own). I felt uncomfortable with her acting like this. But still, I wasn’t able to fight the smile forming on my lips whilst I notice her writing whilst taking side glances at me.

The next two weeks, I get this giddy feeling in me whenever I am with her. I think it is what they call sparks. Oh come on, Kris, what is wrong with you? Why ‘ya suddenly acting cheesy these days? It is just her, okay? It is just her. I mentally scoffed. Of course, it is just her.

Whenever I was with her, I thought of those things I never knew I would think of. I would tell her things that I thought I couldn’t say. I even did those gestures I didn’t even knew I had in me. Moreover, I was definitely sure that it wasn’t just a one-way thing. I noticed her actuations when she was alone with me. Two weeks was enough to get to know the real her. She had a bad-girl image, but she was this cliché fictional character who had a good side.

Last week of our meet-up and we needed to finalize our work. Why was I feeling disappointed? As far as I was sure of, when I knew that I needed to be with her for a month, I couldn’t wait for it to get done. But as time goes by, I felt the clock was ticking too fast, too fast for me to be with her; to get to know more about the real her. I just wished this wasn’t the end.

Due to my excitement, I waited in front of her door with five minutes to spare before our sharp meeting schedule. She wasn’t there yet? What was taking her so long? As if on cue, I saw with my eyes that she was walking out of the lift with a bloke clinging on to her waist. I was sure they hadn’t noticed me. And that was when I saw the two of them by the wall doing the unthinkable. Maybe, it was thinkable. After all, it was her. What were they doing, if you would ask? Oh nothing! They were just making out!

Why was there sudden rage that I’m feeling? Why did I feel upset? Is this what they call j—I couldn’t even process that word in my head. But based on what I felt and what I wanted to do, I knew deep down from me, I was jealous.

I heard her say her good bye to her make out partner or whatever the hell he was called. She was walking with her face looking at the ground. She looked up to her door to open it and that was when she saw me by the side. I intensified my gaze on her. I stared directly onto her eyes. And that was when I saw—worry? Anxiety? Sorry?

Why? Why do you need to show it?

“You don’t care,” she snapped as if breaking out from a trance. Did I just ask those words out loud?

“This is my final work. It’s not that long. Just edit it and add what you want to add. Change what you want to change. This meeting is over. I know you could do it on your own,” Before she could shut the door on my face, I stopped it with my two furious hands and that was when I realized, our lips entwined for the first time.

I have always wanted to do that to her. She started to respond but stopped as if something dawned on her. She pushed me away and screamed, “Leave out of my flat or I’ll call security.”


“I said go away!”

Before I could say a word, she finally slammed the door on my face. There I stood, utterly broken from the thoughts of her rejecting me without even explaining why.

I hurried down the road in my car and stopped in a secluded area.

“Why?!” I screamed on top of my lungs. “Why does it have to be her that I have feelings for?”

Remembering the paper she gave to me before she ordered me to leave, I got it out of my pocket and decided to read. I remember when she told me her chosen topic, ‘Love’s inevitability.’

I wondered why she chose it that time. She was known as the popular, sorority junior. God! She was two years older than me, but I still wasn’t able to stop my heart beating for her. Suddenly, I came to the realization; this was what she was implying.

Love, without a doubt, is inevitable.

Deciding to read her work, I studied her neat penmanship. “They say we don’t have a say on who will be our soulmate in the future, for it was already destined for us even before we live in this world,” It started. “When we fall in love in the unexpected times and unexpected place, some people say that this is the time we meet our soulmate. In addition to that, as ridiculous as it already sounds, our soulmate is the person who we least expect it to be.”

The first paragraph made me think how the hell she could talk about these things. “However, this ridiculous incident can only be proved if you experienced it on your own. At first, I thought I couldn’t be more absurd anymore from having this same happening, but I knew I became more ludicrous when I actually felt proud.”

Wow! She actually experienced this? But wait, this is a work of fiction. It couldn’t be her personal experience.

“It all started at a Creative Writing Class. See, what a silly place to even think of something romantic. It was a fine day of fall. Everything was okay, except for the fact that the assigned partner for me was a freshman nerd.” She called me nerd? Well, that was expected, anyway.

I continued on reading about her constant annoyance and irritation for my presence. Then I stopped when my gaze fell on the words, “I knew I felt something for him. These feelings were becoming strong that I needed to get out of this trance. I hated letting him see my old, bad side because I changed; and it was all because of him.”

However, these words were followed by, “But I know this change will never be enough. Unfortunately, I don’t deserve him and he doesn’t deserve me.

“He was too good for me. I never knew I did something good to be able to have someone like him. I knew he was my soulmate. I knew we were meant-to-be. However, there was no destiny or fate. And all I could do was to let go and let him find someone he deserves. Eventually, he would find someone who could love him with all her heart and someone who doesn’t have a dark past such as mine.

“I know he will. He will be happy. Since this essay is already as ludicrous but cheesy as it sounds, I think I need to add up this one last stereotypical quote before it ends. ‘When you love someone, you love to make him/her happy. Even when you need to set him/her free.’

“That is what I’ll be doing, because I love him.”

~nothing but a four-letter word~

“BUT THE BAD news is she’s like that to every other guy. She turned me down easily,” She wasn’t like that to every other guy, but I needed to tell Daisy that. I just knew I did. She didn’t turn me down easily, either; because I also knew she cherished every moment when I was with her. I did, too.

I tried to find her after reading that essay. I checked her flat immediately, but the manager said she left for good. She was leaving for another country. How could she be so sure she could pass this semester? How could she be so sure she could transfer easily to another university there? Why was I asking these questions to myself? I needed to find her. Maybe, she was still at the airport.

I scurried to my car and proceeded to the airport ignoring all the tickets I would get for over speeding. Fortunately, for me, I saw her with her luggage and she was only about to go inside the building. I sprinted to her fast as I could.

I called her name and she looked directly at me. I sensed she was about to go in fast when she saw me. Glad I was able to stop her.

She asked me what I was doing there. I replied, “I love you, and I know you feel the same way. Please don’t leave.”

“No, I need to. I don’t deserve you. I don’t deserve the way you treat me. I’m sorry but I need to go.”

“No!” I shouted and I knew people were starting to look at us, but I could only care less. “You said you love me, and I reciprocate those feelings for you. Why do you think it won’t work out?”

“Stop it! You’re making a scene,” She shushed me. We heard the PA spoke something I assumed was the last call for her flight. “I need to go. Sorry! Please let me leave. You’ll find someone better than me, I assure that.”

She was about to proceed but I held her left arm, “But you’re the best I’ve ever had. How about our love?”

She was trying to stop the tears to flow whilst saying those words I never knew I would hear from her, “I’m sorry, Kris. I hate to say this, but I need to. You don’t deserve me. You deserve someone better. And we both fully know I don’t deserve you. You’re too good for someone like me. I hate to say this but love is nothing but a four-letter word.”

With that, she stormed off inside the airport with her luggage and all I could do was stare at her as she did.

“But I know that this cliché sorority may have felt something for this typical, awkward freshman,” I knew she did; maybe do. I did too; but there was a fine line between the two words. Our love story was classified as stereotypical, except the ending. She was one of the past, but this girl beside me right now is my present and future.


Took Away

Note: This entry was originally posted on 28 May 2014.

A NEW DAY HAS started. The sun rose at the east showing its rays of happiness as the birds perched on branches of the trees in the city. Today was windier than yesterday and the sky gave a beautiful contrast to the urban view.

Just like every city on Earth, it was busy. In the morning, people set up stores and others find their way to hurry up to their offices. The city was loud. People here and there filled the sidewalks with noises from their feet hurrying and mouths chatting. The honking of the cars and bellowing of other vehicles occupied the busy streets.

Nevertheless, it says everyone’s world continues to revolve, except HIS.

He was sleeping the whole day not minding what was going on and what could happen. I doubted a fire or disaster could make him wake up from his wrong-timing slumber. He believed that his world must stop at the morning because he wasn’t a morning person. Either that was the real reason or his brain was just too manic at night.

At night where he couldn’t help but bring back the memories that shouldn’t be brought up. At night where his mind was always reminded by reminisces that shouldn’t be remembered. At night where the past kept on going back and never losing its grip on him. At night where he kept on thinking where he had gone wrong because only one thought occupied him: the thought of her.

When their relationship came into an end, his life went down completely. He was a sophomore in college when he met her, an awkward freshman girl. He bumped into her in the Uni during the first day, mainstream high school scene but set in college. With him being a jerk and all in high school, he found her frightened state a laughing stock. As typical as it already sounded, they ended up being together before the school year ended. The best about opposites attract. He loved her shyness, not because he wanted her to always be anti-social, but because he loved the thought of protecting her. He loved the idea of being her knight-in-shining-armour.

Their bond slowly went downhill at the end of her sophomore year, his junior year. Throughout the school year, they went to parties—a lot of parties. At first, the girl was still this reluctant when it comes to alcohol but as the summer came near, she learned to be independent and she learned to be alone. She learned to not rely on him.

That was where their story reached its denouement. He couldn’t accept the change in her. He couldn’t recognize her. She wasn’t the exact same girl he knew; she was totally different from it.

~took away~

“I SAID I am okay. Why do you need to need to overreact? It was your friend’s party. You know her,” She defended herself.

“I know her that’s why I worry. You can’t trust her, you know. What if someone took disadvantage of you that night? I told you to wait for me. I told you not to go without me,” He stood up from the couch of his flat as he emphasized the words.

“Nothing happened, okay? I’m totally fine. You don’t need to always be there for me.”

 He looked through the window and sighed before answering, “This isn’t you. This isn’t what you used to be. I never thought you’d be like this.”

 “But you’re the one who taught me to be this. The people I go with today are your friends. I’m still here. I’m still your girlfriend. I just learned to not depend on you most of the time,” The last sentence came out as a whisper but he was able to quickly decipher.

“I’m just here to protect you. I don’t want to see you hurt. I still can’t accept change,” He mumbled.

“Then, I guess things need to end. If you can’t accept that I turned into an independent woman, the exact opposite of who you bumped into a year ago, you don’t need to. Because it’s OVER.”

He looked at those brown eyes. He stared at her intently trying to find the weakness in her. That weakness in her that he wanted to comfort, that he wanted to protect. But only the strong side of her was visible, even the tears were not.

“I just don’t want you turn into a slut!” He wasn’t able to stop himself. And he felt a hard contact on his cheek.

 She had slapped him hard and that surprised the both of them. She sat down the couch again and those tears he was trying to find in her eyes were already there. “I am not a slut. I just don’t want to be that same vulnerable girl I was. I have learned that people won’t take advantage if they knew you are strong. I didn’t drink even a single glass of alcohol at the party. I am never planning to go to any party after that. I just planned to let them know I won’t need you to stay beside me anytime. And I thought you will be the first one to be happy for this change, but I guess I was wrong.”

 He sat beside her and tried to comfort her in his arms but she refused, “I’m sorry. I’m really, really sorry.” He tried again but failed.

“No! You’re not! Because you’re selfish. You can’t have me all to yourself. You can’t expect to be hiding behind your back all the time. Eventually, I need to stand on my own. I just hope you understand,” She was now drowning in tears and all he wanted was to ease the pain in her that he caused but her walls remained solid. She wanted to prove to him that she can stand alone.

 “We can do this together, babe. I’m sorry. I’m really, really sorry.”

 However, she knew he can’t absolutely accept what she was becoming; that things must really come to an end. It was the most painful and heart breaking thing to do, he was her everything, but at that time, it was what she believed was right.

~took away~

THE DAY WAS coming to an end for everyone, the moon and the stars were now visible in the night sky. People were preparing to fall asleep; people yearned to have enough rest for another day to come.

On the contrary, his day was just about to start. He was one of the few people who chose to start the day when the moon and the stars were the observable celestial bodies in the sky.

He got up from his bed to play some video games. Yes, he acted like a broken hearted teenager, and he couldn’t care less. He was waiting for a miracle to happen. He was hoping that she would come back if he finished the game successfully. Until his phone rang. He put the game into a pause before he picked it and answered it with annoyance, “What is it this time?”

It was one of his friends on the other line. They chose to tease him a bit, “Calm down, dude. You seem to be PMS-ing most of the time.”

“Shut up! What the hell do you want?”

He could hear the snickering of his other friends on the other end whilst the one who called him answered, “Just have some drinks with us, man. We’re at the pub right now. We both know that moping and sulking in that beloved flat of yours won’t help you forget her. Loosen up, dude!”

He quickly turned down the offer saying he wasn’t in the mood to drink. However, his friend was persuasive enough to make him give it a go to the pub where they usually hang out before she came to his life.

“I don’t know what impact that nerd chick has on you, but since she left, it’s like someone died, man.”

“She’s not a nerd,” He said with gritted teeth, his infuriation starting to boil.

They were sat on one of the corner tables of the pub. The music was getting loud, and a lot of people were getting wasted. The night with his friends was spent on chatting about what has happened to their lives, and he was like being put in the hot seat.

They started to tease him about how he changed. He was one of the biggest jerks in the gang; he was a heartless jock—until he met her.

“I’m sorry she left, dude,” One of his friends said. “She made you a better person in college and—”

“No. This is good. We’ve got our old friend again,” The other opposed as they took their own shots and they gave him a pat on his shoulder.

The night continued as they had the time of their lives, dancing non-stop and drinking alcohol like there was no tomorrow.

He easily got tipsy for his body had been sober since he met her. He stood up from his seat and made his way out of the bar. Two of his friends asked him what he was about to do, and followed him.

“I just need to end some unfinished things,” he said still trying to stand straight and not trip on the pavement.

His friend offered him some help but he refused. He turned every help down, and continued on speaking profanities as he continued to walk down the street careful not to stumble.

“I freaking love you! You know that!” He continued on shouting her name. His friends tried to stop him for he was making a scene but he couldn’t care less about it. His world is crap, anyway, according to him.

He continued to stroll down the streets, knowing that her house was only a block away. He still hasn’t stopped on shouting her name. His friends pitied him more, feeling sorrier for him as they saw him becoming more miserable. He was never weaker and more broken than this.

“I can handle this, dude,” He slurred to them as he stood up and made his way to the front porch of her house by jumping on the fence and railings.

They tried to stop but they knew they will fail for he hates how others mind his business.

He knocked at her door, and waited patiently. He knew that she couldn’t sleep easily either. They both have been suffering from insomnia. She answered after two more knocks and when he saw her, memories started to flood his mind. Her presence made him forgot what he was supposed to say.

She looked at him questioningly. She greeted him with disbelief evident in her voice. She never expected him to show up to her house; especially at that time of the night.

He greeted with a ‘hi’ whilst looking at the ground, avoiding eye contact which she returned with a rhetorical question, “You’re drunk?”

“Yeah, just tonight.”


“Guess alcohol was really the reason why I had the guts to come here,” He chuckled nervously, inserting his hands on the pocket of his jeans. The way she bit her lips and played with her charm bracelet made him hope that she still reciprocates the feelings he had for her.

There was an eerie silence after that. She wanted him to stay, but she knew he needed to leave, “Uh, you really should—”

“I need to tell you this,” He disturbed her sentence. He was relieved when he knew that she wasn’t going to turn her back at him and close the door. She was leaning on it, not losing he hold on the doorknob whilst waiting for him to say something.

His breath was uneven whilst he formed the words he was originally planning to say the minute he stepped on her front porch.

“Uhm.. Well… I.. You.. Uhm..”

What?” She tried to make him speak out his incoherent stutters, and nodding, wanting him to continue.

“The moment when I said those words to you, I immediately regretted it. But I wasn’t able to explain. I am proud, so proud of you. I knew you were not going to be like the other college girls I know. I knew you were just trying to prove yourself that you can be independent. I knew you were tired of my constant partying, and the constant rudeness to you of the group of people I was with.”

“Huh?” She became confused of what he was saying. He stood up straight with a sigh.

“I knew from that time that you did that because you were tired of those parties. You were tired being the centre of attention because I chose to be with you. You were tired being known as this naïve, awkward girl. Heck, I even knew that was the last party you would go to. I heard you the night before. I heard everything you say when you thought I was asleep.”

“So why did you said I was becoming a slut?”

“I don’t know! But one thing I’m sure is that I am afraid. I am afraid that when you learned to be this strong, invulnerable woman you have become, you’ll need me no more. Crap, that time I even have thought you just said ‘yes’ to me because you need a protector in college.”

“You thought I just used you?”

“No! It wasn’t like that though it sounds like that. Trust me, it isn’t. My mind is just so messed up and all I am just sure of right now is that I’ve never fallen out of love. I am still in love with you. Being without you is the hardest part of my life.

“I screwed up—a lot. We all do, but mine was the worst mistake I have ever made. Letting you leave my flat that night was the biggest mistake I regret.

“When I was with you, I thought actions were enough to prove how much I am in love with you. But it isn’t. I lacked words, wait! I didn’t. I had said a lot of words, just the wrong ones. I started accusing you of the things I shouldn’t have said. I must’ve been the one to be proud, because I was the one encouraging you to be this better girl you turned out to be.”

He stumbled towards her. His face was inches away from her, his forehead pressed against hers. She could smell his familiar scent with a mix of alcohol in his breath.

“I am in love with you. Letting you go was the biggest mistake. I am so sorry. I hope you can forgive me. We can work this out, right? Tell me we can bring back the relationship we had minus the bad memories that had happened. Please, I know you still love me…” He spoke unable to continue, for he was crying and hugging her.

“Please come back.” He whispered to her ear. “Come back to me, love.”

She comforted him, and when he pulled away, they both gave each other a smile. He looked at her brown eyes with his green ones pleading her to say something, to speak out.

“I think you should go home,” she said as she stared at his shoes.


Her voice came out as a faint crack, “You need to leave.”

“We both know we still love each other. Why? Please—

His two friends held him before he could even convince her, trying to stop him from doing anything ludicrous. He tried to get out of their tight grips on his arms, but he was too drunk and destroyed to free himself.

“Sorry,” his friend explained for him, “he really gets emotional when he’s drunk.”

She nodded, her eyes locked with him; his friends still forcing him at 3 in the morning to go home with them.

There he was, couldn’t do a thing but to comply with his friends’ actions as he looked back at her. He saw her sigh a deep breath until she came inside and locked her door completely losing her from his gaze. That moment when she closed the door, he was left with nothing as he felt that she took away all the feelings he had in him.


If Only You Knew

Note: This entry was originally posted on 20 May 2014.

“HELLO, CUPCAKE!” MARC approached me with a hug on my shoulder whilst I was sitting down alone in the cafeteria.

Each sweet gesture he does makes my heart flutter and butterflies swarm in my stomach. But, we are kind of used to it anyway. Apparently, he is, but I am not and I am sure I’ll never be.

“So why is this sweet best friend of mine late?” I asked with a little annoyance but failed to hide that small smirk.

“Oh, she’s upset. I’m sorry, but I had some important errand that needs to be done,” he falsely cooed as he sat down across from my seat with his tray of lunch.

I couldn’t help but ponder on this errand. What was that important task that made him miss half of lunch time? Asking won’t kill me, right? So I decided to tease him to get some answers. “So, what is this errand that seems to be much more important than your beloved food trip every lunch?”

I saw a blush in his cheeks. Now, this was becoming more interesting. He gulped on his juice box before looking at me with dreamy eyes, “I just did something important for the dance Ms. Miller is hosting tonight.”

I started to feel a sense of excitement and nervousness at the same time. Marc has been my best friend since the start of middle school. He was the reason why bullies never bother me again. He was my knight in shining armour. We became inseparable. And from this spot, I couldn’t help but wonder what he was planning. I also remembered the dance Chloe’s mum is hosting tonight. I think it’s about the success of her project in their company, and yes, we were invited.

“Cupcake, hey, Earth to you!” I saw Marc’s hand waving in front of me. “Why do you keep on zoning out?”

“N-nothing,” I tried to hide my embarrassment by just looking down at my food and continuing on munching that slice of pizza.

“Come on. Hurry up! Lunch is almost over,” I saw him stood up from the seat and I realized he was really that hungry. He finished all the food in his tray for a matter of minutes.

I finish my meal and stand up from my seat. If you’re wondering why I eat so slow, I wanted let you know that being the nerd that I am, I make my morning classes homework at lunch. Yeah, Marc is okay with that. However, to be honest, I don’t exactly know why he chooses to hang out with me.

It actually started when a group of girls in the 7th grade picked on me on my second day of school when I transferred on the middle of the semester. A tall lad with ocean blue eyes stood tall in front of me when the meanest girl was about to hit me with her hand.

Turns out, it was Marc Johnson, a popular but quiet 7th grader. Plus, he was the meanest girl’s crush too. Imagine the horror in her face when Marc stopped her hand preventing her to slap me on my face.

“It isn’t nice for a girl to slap an innocent girl like that. Especially if it should be the other way,” I never forget the first words I heard from his mouth and I never fail to remember it was about defending me from those bullies.

How did it begin if you would ask? Let me tell how it all started.


~if only you knew~


“HEY, NEW NERD,” I was grabbing some books from my locker when I heard a voice which was instantaneously annoying from the first time I heard it.

It was followed by a bunch of displeasing fits of giggles. Then she added, “Make my Math homework if you want to survive in this school.”

 How dare her threaten me on my second day of school? Am I that milquetoast girl that they thought they could just intimidate and humiliate in the hallway? If they thought yes, well then, they were right. I wasn’t that kind of girl who would fight back. Needless to say, I just let others bully me.

But this time, I didn’t know how I had the gut to speak what I really felt and it was late before I was able to take it back, “I wonder why people choose to just roam around the hallway like a supermodel asking others—or I should say—commanding others to do her own job instead of studying. That’s what she’s supposed to do. This is a school anyway, not a runway.”

Things went by too fast and I saw her right hand rose from her hip. I was expecting a hard contact on my face and that was when I saw Marc with his back facing me and stopping her hand which was supposed to slap my face.

That was when I first heard Marc’s voice which was intimidating but had this safeguarding vibe in it. The former was for Ms. Mean Girl and the latter was for me, I supposed.

Suddenly, I heard her say, “And how should it be the other way around?”

“We both know what I mean. However, I know she won’t slap you no matter how much you deserve it. So stop bothering people and do your own business.”

“Y-yes Marc,” I heard her voice tremble in fear. I wouldn’t blame her. Marc could be scary if he wanted to, and that time, I was also terrified.

“Hey! Don’t be afraid. They’re gone. And I’m pretty sure they won’t harm you again. I’ve got your back. By the way, I heard you’re Chloe’s cousin. I’m her friend, by the way. I’m Marc Johnson,” He stretched his hand for me to shake.

I shook his hand whilst saying, “Yeah! I pretty much heard a lot about you since yesterday. I’m Jasmine Scott.”


~if only you knew~


FROM THEN ON, Chloe, Marc and I became inseparable except in the eighth grade when Chloe and her dad transferred to England leaving her mother, Aunt Kristen and her younger brother, Lloyd behind. Her parents divorced and she decided to live with her dad across the continent.

So, I guess, it is Marc and I who stick with each other up to today.

I was currently walking out of the last period of class and I saw Marc leaning on his car with headphones on his ears. When he saw me, he dashed to the driver’s door and said, “Come on, Jasmine. Hurry up!”

“What’s going on?” I asked whilst buckling up in the passenger seat.

“It’s a surprise,” He smiled genuinely at me then he faced the road as we moved from the school’s parking lot.

I smiled at myself thinking about it. I didn’t want to expect but because of this, my feelings for Marc just became deeper and deeper each day.

I still have no idea what Marc feels towards me. I always feel like he sees me as a sibling so I try to act like that to him. Nevertheless, as every day passes by, I can’t help but feel something different about the way he acts around me.

I never ceased thinking of the late-night movie marathon we spent with each other. I also remembered that day in sophomore year when he asked me to ride with him in his new car that his parents gave him when he got his licence. I never forgot the constant annoyance he does to me but makes delicious cupcakes as an apology; which is also the reason why he calls me ‘Cupcake’.

“Are you ready for the dance?” he asked as he pulled on the front of my house.

“Yeah! Sure,” I said as I opened the passenger door.

Before I could go down from the car, I felt a hand stopped me. I saw Marc smiling at me, “I’ll pick you up at 7:15.”

I nodded before I got down. I went to the front porch before he stormed off in his black BMW. ‘Boys, they will never change. At least he doesn’t speed up when I’m with him,’ I thought.

I went inside to see my older brother sitting comfy in the couch watching some random football game. Wait, what was he doing here?

“Hey, sis,” He greeted nonchalantly. Was he kidding me?

“You haven’t seen me in like, five months, and that’s all you’re going to say to me?” I asked in disbelief whilst running to him and hugging him tight.

“Oh, did my baby sister miss me?” he messed up my hair whilst enveloping me in a warm embrace. It annoyed me a lot but I just missed him so much I just let go of it. I nodded as I was stuck in his embrace. I just really missed my annoying brother.

“Jack, you better hurry up and fix yourself. Your Aunt Kristen is expecting you,” I heard Mum’s voice and her footsteps getting louder and louder.

She was going down the stairs when she saw me with Jackson on the couch, “Oh, hello Jasmine. I didn’t know you’re here already. Pretty late, huh? What did you do this time with Marc?”

“Mum, I was just at the library and I need to finish printing my project so I was late. Good thing, he waited for me at the parking lot,” I said as I stood up from the couch.

My brother followed after me saying teasingly, “Oh, you’re still with Marc Johnson, huh? He’s doing a pretty good job at being your knight in shining armour.”

I hit him in the arm lightly. I couldn’t fight the blush in my cheeks, “Stop it! You know, we’re just best friends.”

“Ouch!” He yelped in fake pain before deciding to tease me again, “But your blush says something different.”

“Kids! Better hurry up. It’s a quarter to six pm already.” Mom called from upstairs.

“Shut up!” I told Jack before running to my room to get ready for the party Aunt Kristen was hosting.

I took a quick shower and fixed my blonde hair into curls. I put on light make up to match the white gown my Mum and I bought in the mall a couple of days ago.

Just as I finished applying my make-up, I heard the doorbell ring.

“I need to get that!” Jack said as I heard heavy footsteps sprinting down the stairs. What’s the matter with him?

Whatever. I mentally rolled my eyes. I still need to find the matching heels I forgot to look for. It’s 7:15 pm and I’m sure Marc is down there waiting for me.

Not long after rummaging through the shoe rack, I found the heels I was looking for. I quickly put it on my feet and slowly went down the stairs careful not to trip. When I almost got to the living room, I saw Jack and Marc talking seriously.

Instead of interrupting, the nosy side of me chose to eavesdrop on what they were talking about. ‘Curiosity is always at its best,’ I tsk at myself.

“Seriously, man! What’s with you and my sister?” Jack queried playfully.

“We’re best friends. That’s what I’m sure of. We’ve gotten closer when Chloe left. Chloe made me promise that I’ll take care of Jas the day she flew to England,” Marc leaned on the smaller couch at the right as he answered, making himself more comfortable.

My brother sat straight on the couch at the left and coughed lightly. I sensed he was about to say something real important, “Be honest, dude! Do you like my sister?”

My eyeballs seemed to come out of their sockets upon hearing the blunt words my brother just asked to my best friend I was secretly crushing on for years now and no one even knew. As much as I want to go to the living room to stop the further interrogation thing my brother is doing, I wanted to know Marc’s answer.

“What?!” I saw Marc’s eyes bulged exactly imitating my reaction earlier.

“I’m waiting for a yes or no. Come on! I see the way you act around my sister; I just want to know what to call those gestures,” My brother mocked him with a chuckle probably at Marc’s earlier frightened state.

There was an awkward pause in the air and I knew it was the best time to get Marc out of the ‘hot seat’ as they call it in talk shows. Just as I was about to do that, I heard him say the words which made me think, ‘Curiosity did kill the cat.’

“I like Jas, but never in the way that you’re implying. She’s more like a sister to me. I am ashamed to admit this, but at first, I just really looked after her to impress Chloe. However, when I got to know her, she’s fun to be with and I’m sure she’ll eventually find the right bloke. Jasmine Dianne and I are better—or best, at being best friends. That girl who left for England five years ago still has my heart,” He explained as he looked the ground mumbling the last sentence, nonetheless, I clearly perceived.

My heart shattered to pieces upon registering those words in my mind. Why was I so affected? Didn’t I already know from the start that he wouldn’t reciprocate the feelings I have for him?

I guess what really hurts is hearing those words of indirect rejection from his mouth. I feel tears brimming from my eyes, but I try to fight it no matter how hard it is. So I plaster the best smile and walk to the living room in my white gown and matching heels.

“Hey guys!” I tried to say without a faint crack in my voice. I mentally high-fived myself when it turned out pretty convincing.

The two boys appeared to be startled at my presence, “H-how long have you been here?” Marc stuttered.

“Long enough to hear you confess your feelings for my favourite cousin who lives in England,” Now where did that come from? I mentally scolded and face-palmed myself at that tease. Good thing, my voice didn’t crack.

“That’s all you heard?” They asked simultaneously and I couldn’t fight back a giggle. It eased the tension a bit, anyway.

Nevertheless, I still hated my brother. I hated him from making Marc speak about his feelings for me—which he never has. I looked at Jack and saw his face full of concern and sorry like he knew about my feelings for Marc. Maybe, it didn’t give the idea of being hidden after all.

However, I will never look defeated. One thing I’m sure of what I’m thinking is that—I’M. NOT. THINKING. So I said the biggest lie I have ever said in my entire life. “Marc’s right. We’re best at being best friends. Nothing more, nothing less. It’s not like we’re not good at being partners because actually, we’re good at being—”

“Partners-in-crime,” Marc and I said at the same time with him laughing wholeheartedly and mine being forced.

“Yeah, with those perfectly pulled pranks, ‘partners-in-crime’ is a hilariously appropriate word,” Jack agreed just as Mum stormed in the room in her purple gown with matching heels and purse.

To say I was insecure would be an understatement. I wondered how Mum could stay beautiful all through these years. “It’s 7:30 pm. We need to go. Kristen’s party starts at quarter to eight. Oh, hey Marc! You look really more handsome tonight,” Mum said in a sincere but hurriedly way.

“Hi, Mrs. Scott. You look extra lovely too. However, I’m giving this lovely m’lady a ride to the dance. We need to go,” Marc said as he opened the front door and gestured me to go first. His gentleman actions were really torture for me.

“Thanks, Marc. But please call me Sandra. Mrs. Scott is my mother. By the way, see you at the dance,” Mum called as we got into Marc’s car for what seemed like the longest car ride of my life.

~if only you knew~

THE DRIVE TO the venue was silent. Maybe for Marc, it was comfortable, nonetheless it was awkward and plain torture for me.

Whenever I look at this boy beside me focused in the road, I couldn’t help but notice his features. The way his blonde locks stand messily in his head but perfectly matches his ocean blue eyes. Those eyes that appears twinkling every time light reflects on them. His body not so big but strong and muscular enough to make him the Captain of the basketball team and MVP of the season; not to forget how hot he looks in his suit and tie right now. His height which makes him completely tower over me, but his presence never fails to make me feel protected. Lastly, his pink, plump lips that looks more and more desirable when he speaks witty words or even the sickest joke. It just makes me feel sad—I should say miserable—knowing that I would never feel those against mine.

“Jasmine Dianne Scott!” I was snapped out of my thoughts when I heard the car stop and Marc’s voice.

“We’re here. Why do you keep on zoning out today, Cupcake?” He lightly pinched my right cheek and chuckled.

“If only you knew, it’s all because of you, Marc,” Oh, how I’d like to tell him that.

“N-nothing. Come on, let’s go,” My voice came out as a stuttering mumble. Fortunately, he just shrugged and we got out of his car.

We come in the venue and there sure as hell lot of people. Sorry for the cursing, but I’m not just used to it. Yeah, my family really knows a lot of the people because of the company but I still remain anti-social.

Just in time we went to our table, Aunt Kristen went to the stage and everyone’s eyes focused on her.

“Good evening, everyone!” She started. “As we all know, this party is held for the success of the new project for Prestige Hotel and Real Estate. But—”

She paused for a couple of seconds, “It is more than that. I’m glad to tell you that my eldest kid is back from England. I’ve just missed her so much. Please welcome, my lovely Chloe Taylor.”

Out of nowhere, I saw Chloe walking to the stage in her red long gown, beautiful as ever. Everyone applauded for her. I was surprised to see my cousin and best friend but terrified at the same time. Marc’s true love is back. This made me feel insecure; I would like to shrink in my seat until I heard my name from the stage.

“I would like to surprise my cousin and best-est friend, Jasmine Scott. Turns out, Marc and I kind of did a good job. Come here, best!” Chloe called from the stage.

Marc accompanied me and we walked to the stage to hug Chloe. Aunt Kristen said to the mic, “The trio is back!”

We walked down the stage and Marc was ecstatic than ever, “You should see your face, Jas. This is my—I mean—our surprise.”

If you only knew the reason why I had that face, Marc; the way you said ‘our’ is like stabbing my whole body mercilessly. Your love is back and I don’t know what to feel.

Chloe hugged me again and squealed, “Surprise!”

The three of us laughed and mine came out as pretend. I really needed to be happy for them; maybe I need to keep this feeling to myself.

We were enjoying the party, and the two of them told me the exact details. It turned out: Marc was late at lunch time today because he fetched Chloe at the airport. He didn’t tell me because he knew I would be so happy knowing that Chloe would be here with us again.

I am happy for them, sincerely, I am. But I feel sorry for myself, knowing that my first love experience isn’t the best experience, not even good.

Chloe and I got back to our table to rest our feet for a while. Dancing was really hard if you were wearing four-inch heels. Marc sat across the circular table whilst Chloe and I sat beside each other.

All of a sudden, the lights dimmed and a slow song came. I saw Marc stood up from his seat and walked to us—I mean—to the person next to me.

“Chloe, can I have this dance?” he asked. Of course, Chloe agreed. Who wouldn’t, right? But when he took her hand, I died from the inside. I watched the way he looked at her; it broke every bone in my body to know he’ll never look at me like that.

And there I was looking at the two of them happily as they walked to the dance floor but I feel pain inside. I saw my brother looking at me with sympathy but I just shrugged still denying the fact that I have feelings for Marc Johnson. I smiled at him and he returned it. What Marc said wasn’t forced by my brother, so it wasn’t his fault that Marc doesn’t have the same feelings I have for him.

At least, nobody knew that I’m hurting. No one knew I’m breaking every time he looks at her the way he never looked at me. No one knew I’m tearing apart every time he speaks to her the way he never does and never will do to me. The pain will remain but I wouldn’t ruin other people’s happiness. Maybe hoping to be the one holding his shoulder and his hand was wrong. But I was sure, however, that keeping these feelings to me was wrong, too.

Although, when Marc glanced at me from the dance floor, I gave him thumbs-up and the best smile I could show. I could see the twinkle in his eyes. He was really having the time of his life with his love dancing with him.

Nonetheless, deep inside, I kept myself from saying this to him, “If only you knew, Marc James Johnson. I wish that was me.”


The Greatest Blessing From Above

Note: This poem is dedicated to all the motherly figures in my life. To my Grandma (Lola Mummy), Aunt Queen, Aunt Princess, Aunt Joanne, and to my cousin, Ichi who became a mum. 🙂

2nd Note: This entry was originally posted on 10 May 2014.

To the strongest woman I will ever know,

To the lady who will always accept me for who I am.

My love for you, I may have not always showed.

But I need you to know, I love you Mum.

My stubbornness most times maybe unfathomable,

But thanks for still being here by my side.

Your patience for me is incredible.

“You’re the best Mum!” I’ll scream it with pride.

There are times when only your love

Can understand my sadness and tears;

Can soothe my pain and disappointments;

Can help me overcome my fears.

There are times when only your faith

Can help me on my life’s journey and way.

You keep showering me with confidence,

And inspire me day by day.

I know that a poem won’t fill all my mistakes,

But it’s worth a try, that thing I’m sure.

On your special day, let me tell me you this.

Words my mouth has never said before.

When God set the world in place,

When He made the land and sea,

When He hung up the stars in space

One thing I’m proud of is what He gave to me.

He gave me a Mother’s faith and a Mother’s heart.

And a Mother’s steadfast love.

Those were fashioned by all the Angels

I’m sure was sent from God above.


Illusionary Hiatus

Note: This entry was originally posted on 8 February 2014.

A NEW STUDY may cast some light on the most controversial parts of the current global warming debate. The problem is frequently featured in headlines as a question, “Has Global Warming Stopped?”

The short answer is and has always been “no”, it hasn’t stopped. Not ever. It hasn’t even slowed down. Sea levels continue to rise inevitably. Artic Sea ice and Antarctic glacier covers continue to melt down. Weather patterns continue to change dramatically.

But let’s back up.

Science has shown; if CO2 emissions were causing global warming, then surface temperatures should continue to rise. Since they haven’t global warming can’t be real.

Scientists have termed this a “pause” or a “hiatus” in global warming. As recently as February 3, this anomaly in the data was publicized as evidence that climate scientists have “exaggerated” the risks of climate change. But even whilst the anomaly in the data may pose no threat to global warming models generally, its cause remained a mystery.

Recently, in a study published in the current issue of Nature Climate Change, a scientific review journal, a team of scientists led by Australian Matt England found that warmer surface water in the Pacific is being pushed westward by equatorial trade winds that are much stronger than expected. As the warm surface water hits the western continental shelf it is driven downward into the lower depths. This action of the trade winds effectively cools the observable surface temperature by mixing the heat into the deep water.

“The oceans have this amazing capacity to suck up heat,” England said in a phone interview with “The ocean absorbs 90% of the heat of the climate system, so if you’re looking for global warming that’s where you have to look.”

The answer to the question, “Has Global Warming Stopped?” still remains a mystery. Is Global Warming a great burden of the planet? Is Global Warming really a great effect on Earth’s present state? Has Global Warming paused? Or is this just an illusionary hiatus?


(featured image courtesy of

My Superhero

Note: This is dedicated to my cousin, Max, who will turn 7 in three days (30 January). Happy Birthday, dear cousin!

2nd Note: This entry was originally posted on 27 January 2014.

Amazing as Spiderman when we make each other happy

As swift as The Flash he makes my heart beat with glee.

Unstoppable as Juggernaut when he starts to enjoy playing,

Incredible as Hulk, when he starts watching.

Indestructible as Captain America, the love for his toys;

Extraordinary as Black Widow, when he speaks his voice.

Awesome as the Man of Steel, when he is in the crowd.

People’s Choice like Batman, he is always loved.

Bulls eye like Hawk Eye, he never fails to make everyone laugh;

A+ like the Avengers, to rate him is not enough.

Accelerated as Wolverine, his ability in studies,

Mighty as Thor, his love for the Family.

So who is he if you would ask? He is my Tony Stark.

The one and only Iron Man here inside my heart.

You’re much cooler than these superheroes, I assure everybody.

‘Cause you’ve got all their powers my cousin, you’ll always be a brother to me.