Note: This entry was originally posted on 20 June 2014.
Disclaimer: The address included in this story is fictional and created by the author. Whatever similarity it has to any locale is purely coincidental.
1870 Connecticut Rd.
Emerald Rehabilitation Centre
P.O. Box 17 Birmingham, UK
This is one of the times I’ve been dreading to experience. Well, apparently, almost each happening in my life has been dreadful (except when we were together). Now, writing to you will never be different. Don’t get me wrong, though, Shane. It isn’t terrifying in the sense that I can’t stand writing your name in this piece of crap. Instead, the vile part is the fact that I am afraid of handling rejection again. I am not ready to talk to you, nor am I ready to say something about what happened to us. The reason, mainly, I know you do know what I’m about to say and I’m shit at writing my feelings. Heck, I don’t even know if you shall read my letter when you receive it. I don’t even know if you’ll let me explain. I don’t even know where to start.
Then again, as the saying goes, each of us must start at the beginning. So that is what I’ll do. Please bear with me for my thoughts are incoherent at the moment—or since the day you left, I should say. But this is what I can assure you. I am sober whilst writing this; and I am nothing but being honest.
It was a fine day of sophomore year in college and I was scurrying through the corridors of the campus trying to get to my classroom. Until, I bumped into a familiar face. She was one of the most beautiful women I’d even seen—no hyperbole there, at least for me. Her height had a slight increase from when I’d last seen her. However, her blonde hair, gray-ish blue eyes and pink, plump lips had been the same. She still was my perfect childhood best friend until the eighth grade when she transferred to another country.
What was she doing here? I helped her steady herself and I asked her when she came back. This pretty girl told me she transferred in my university and we had the same course. I couldn’t be more excited that day. Did you feel that excitement too?
Being in the same course, we’ve interacted over the semester. I couldn’t help but regain all the feelings I had for this new version of the cute, naïve girl that was my childhood best friend. That was what I had done wrong.
No, Shane. Loving you wasn’t what I had done wrong. It was that because I didn’t tell you exactly what I had become when you left. I was involved in a fraternity, love. And I didn’t even bother to tell you that.
We worked on projects together, we hung out, and we constantly see each other in the nearby café before class starts. I didn’t just feel like I had my best friend back; I actually felt something more. And I made sure you felt it too.
I have loved you ever since we were young. I thought we were inseparable. However, the day you left was the denouement for our undefined relationship too. I remembered you telling me that only distance will be different for us; but our friendship will remain. I knew it was true. We still constantly called each other. You sent cards to me on special occasions. It wasn’t really like you were in another country. I started to believe that nothing was different in our friendship; conversely, it wasn’t exactly the same.
It was in my high school years when my Mom and Dad had a divorce. I had no one to hold on to. I figured you could help, but I thought that we were not the same anymore. I refused to tell you what was happening to me. I would always tell you I’m okay though I was completely far from that. Furthermore, I never really wanted to be a bother to you. That was when I became involved with these bad boys at school. I knew I was becoming a delinquent. I drank liquor though I was underage. It even became a hobby. I had slept with a lot of girls that time. It was all a fling, nothing more. I was almost caught by the police when these so-called new friends of mine dared me to vandalize someone else’s car.
I ain’t blaming you, Shane. I never did. It was my choice; and it was only now that I could admit I truly regret it.
Our conversations became less frequent. You might have not forgotten about me. I still continued to receive your cards, messages, and voice mails; but I ignored you. I wasn’t thinking right. I took you for granted. Then it all came to the day I never received anything from you. It wasn’t hard to expect that you will eventually give up on me. I was a fuck up. And that was when it hit me. I was the cause of our liaison’s cessation.
This was the reason why I pushed aside my present life when I met you again. I was so ecstatic to know that you left the things that happened to us in the past. Of course, we had talked about it but finally dropped when I made you believe I was totally okay. I confessed my feelings to you at the start of second semester. I became the happiest man on Earth when I knew you reciprocated those feelings.
However, I couldn’t escape the present life I was in. I would still go to the pub with my mates and I would still be involved in the parties held at the frat house. I knew I had to stop what I was doing. But peer pressure was the reason why I couldn’t. I must’ve realized you should be my first priority instead of these so-called peers I had.
I constantly lied to you, Shane. And I couldn’t be more apologetic for what I’ve done. I didn’t tell you everything. I would make stories of what eats up my time. I even told you I was working on a late project when I wasn’t able to meet you at the place where we were supposed to see each other that time. Truth was I was out with my friends. I promised myself that would be the last time I ditch you like that. You were okay because what you knew was that I was making my project. In spite of this, my conscience was still running through me.
But it wasn’t enough for me to stop all these misbehaviours and negligence to you. Heck, I even continued on doing it. My wrong circle of friends made me believe that I was doing nothing wrong for I was only living life to the fullest. I knew I was doing something wrong. Yet I didn’t put all of it into end until you found out.
It was one evening when we were supposed to have a date. Two hours before, my friends asked me to help for the frat party and I couldn’t refuse. I told myself that I would still make it in time for our date. But an hour turned into two, and then until midnight. Finally, until 2 in the morning, I was walking—or stumbling to my flat completely high from all the liquor I’ve drunk at the party. There, I saw a girl slumbering whilst sitting against my front door.
I’m so sorry, Shane! I’m so sorry! I really was but when this girl was awakened by my footsteps and started to scream at me, my ego just boosted up. I refused to admit I was wrong.
“This is the umpteenth time you ditch me in our dates. Sometimes I truly don’t feel you anymore. I totally understood if you need to work with your studies and see your friends. But seeing you like this completely drunk, it just, I- I—” I couldn’t do anything but watch you sob into tears.
I wanted to comfort you. I really did, Shane. But my egoistic side ate me up. I tried to explain, “What? I couldn’t drink with my friends anymore?!”
“We’re supposed to have a date! And you stood me up,” You shouted at me whilst you were still crying. That sobered me up but my thoughts were still all over the place.
“I’m still a fraternity member. I can’t back out. You need to understand that if you want to be with me,” At first, Shane, you were too bored but when you heard my confession, your bloodshot eyes met mine. I never wanted to see you cry, Shane. But I needed to tell you the truth.
“When my parents divorced when I was sophomore, I just lost it. I had no one to talk to. You weren’t there, re–”
“How dare you turn the tables on me? You know you could have always called,” I remember you cutting me off.
I answered, “I didn’t. Newsflash: admit it or not, we will never be the same when you left. I became friends with the bad boys at school. It was because no true friend was beside me that time.”
“So now you’re blaming me?” I saw the hurt in your eyes when you questioned me. I was about to respond but you continued, “It was your choice, Dan. It was your choice. You could always count on me but you never had trust. I would always be your friend. I might not be your girlfriend then, but our relationship was much stronger than that. We started off as friends. We knew each other very well.
“When I came back and saw you, I let go of the memories because I thought we need a new start. I didn’t ponder for your reasons why you stopped responding to my calls, mails, and cards. I thought I knew you well, Dan. Well, I guess I am wrong. I don’t know who you are anymore. I don’t see the Dan I used to love since kindergarten. This person in front of me is entirely different.”
You were right, Shane. You were always right. Being the jerk that I am, I still refused to apologize to you that night and then you said we needed space. You seriously need to stop these actions, Dan. You need to change for the better. Not for me or for anyone. You need to change for yourself.”
Then again, I continued to shit my life. Instead of quitting the fraternity and making my life better, I continued to listen to my friends who keep on telling you’re not worth moping for.
I want to tell you this, Shane. I may have not let you know that time that you’re my everything, but through this letter I want you to know that you’re worth it. You’re more than worth it. I am too dumb not to realize it at once.
I became more alcoholic. Every night, I would always drink the whole pub off and run away from my problems. But it never solved anything, did it? No, because after eight months, I saw you with another bloke. But I heard he was a good lad.
It was then that I realized that I need to fix myself up again. I went to the rehabilitation centre, yes I volunteered for myself to be fixed. I knew my alcohol addiction could only be cured there. At first, it was hard. But I would always think of your words, change for yourself. That was what I started to do.
I am currently in my sixth month here. My mother visits me most of the time. I heard from the facilitators you tried to visit me once or twice too. But I just don’t want to see you then. No, it isn’t like I hate you. I just want you to see me fully recovered from this mess which is called my life.
I also heard from Mum that you are still with that lad. Well, congratulations, Shane. No sarcasm there. I am so happy you finally found someone who will truly love you. I still love you, though. But I will never try to steal you away from him.
I’ve caused you too much pain. You don’t deserve it. You never deserve it. You are the best I’ve ever had. But yes, that is the past. I screwed things up and I deserve this consequence. However, once I get out of here, I will come to you, Shane. It won’t be long enough. I’ve been sober for the past six months and I promise myself I will not be near liquor again.
I will visit you, Shane. That is a promise. But as a friend. I want us to be like we were before. You told me before that our relationship was way more than being lovers. We are also friends, siblings, best buds, and chaperones of each other, and a lot more things. I know I don’t fully deserve it yet; but will you let me try?
I know you are fully happy. I hope that lad of yours always buys you pink cotton candy on stick because I know how much you love it. I was just too drunk to remember it then. I wish he always gives you his time because that’s what I didn’t when we were together. Most of all, I hope he gives you his full trust because you are more than a hundred per cent worthy of it. That is what I have failed to give you.
Maybe this aftermath is enough to let me know that I just wasted my chances to be with the most precious girl forever. Yes it is, Shane. Realizing how much you mean to me when it is too late is more than enough to wake my mind up. I should have done those things I mentioned. But I didn’t.
Now, as a psychology exercise, we are asked to write a letter to one person we value the most. Before this, I find it cheesy and queer to make a written piece of crap. After writing all these words, I just knew the papers given to me are not enough.
I chose to write to you, Shane; if it isn’t that obvious yet. I just wish for you to be truly happy with whoever you can be with. It just all comes back to me. I have everything I wished for. I have you before, Shane. But now it is ‘had’. I had the most precious girl beside me but I was too intoxicated to realize it until it was too late.
I love you, Shane.